On August 30th this year, my little sister passed away. Her death was sudden, tragic, and the most painful event of my life.
She was 24 years old. She had a fiancé named Antonio. They were on track to get married, and have children within the next few years. I was so looking forward to the day I could be an aunt to her children. I always looked forward to us being two crazy old ladies together.
She was thirteen years younger than me, and I babysat her nearly every day of her early years. Those years contain some of the best memories of my life. She would laugh and clap in her high chair while I put on little concerts for her. We’d watch Dragon Tales together. We’d laugh together. Since she was born, she has been the light of my life.
The following is a mix of stream of consciousness, fact telling, and a spiritual exploration of grief. I typically prefer to “make sense” in whatever I post. This isn’t one of those. Forgive the all-over-the-place nature of this.
The cause of her death was likely the Pfizer covid vaccine, which isn’t something I’ll be talking much about in the future, but what I want to address here.
She had a terrible reaction to the vaccine, and a slew of mysterious, random side effects immediately following, and for months after getting it. She had two hospital visits in the months following the vaccine, saying “Something feels wrong. My chest hurts, my arm is tingling.” As well as a laundry list of vague symptoms that weren’t typical for her. Doctors didn’t find anything during those visits, and sent her on her way, with two very large medical bills.
Basically, she went from being a totally healthy 24 year old, to suddenly dropping dead. The coroner found nothing. She never took drugs, barely drank except for a rare occasion, and had no other apparent health issues.
I will never know for certain what caused my sister’s death, but in my heart, I feel it was related to the vaccine. When all of this happened, my family and I were in shock. Nobody on either side of our family has ever passed so young and for no apparent reason. I’ve since found there has been a 100% increase in “sudden adult death syndrome” this past year. 1, 2, 3, 4
A fair amount of doctors, analysts, and biologists are linking these excess deaths to the vaccine. Dr. Joespeh Fraiman, for example, is one of the doctors who is revealing the false and negligent reporting of adverse effects by both the CDC and pharmaceutical companies.
And of course, Pfizer has $100 million reasons to not report adverse effects of the vaccines, or vaccine related deaths.
Looking into the work of various doctors speaking out about the covid vaccines, I’ve seen enough evidence that matches up with the mysterious and sudden symptoms my sister was having after getting the vaccine; erratic blood pressure, facial swelling, chest pain and tightness, tingling in her arm, pain in her flank, plus general malaise. She just felt very unwell for the months after getting the vaccine. And none of us ever put these symptoms together with the vaccine until now.
I’ve never been an “anti-vaxxer”, and consider myself very logical and measured when it comes to looking at evidence and scientific literature. In this situation, there is enough data and literature that I feel confident in saying if I could rewind the clock, I would do everything in my power to make sure my sister didn’t take that vaccine.
To be clear, I’m not “taking a stand” against the vaccine. And again, I don’t want to make the vaccine a primary focus of my sister’s death. But I feel an obligation to be honest.
Am I saying you shouldn’t get vaccinated? Do whatever you feel is best.
I personally have not, and will never get the covid vaccine. I am not against vaccines. But this vaccine was developed without any long term clinical trials. We basically ARE the clinical trial. It is also highly suspect that these pharmaceutical companies were granted complete impunity in the case of any vaccine injuries. If it is so “safe and effective” why would they need to have that sort of financial protection? 1, 2
I personally have not, and will never trust the FDA or the CDC with my health. Both the FDA and the CDC are bought and paid for by the pharmaceutical industry, big food, and big agra. Both the FDA and the CDC are funded by the very companies they’re supposed to be regulating. 1, 2, 3, 4, 5
The FDA and CDC do not care about public health. If the FDA and CDC says something is “safe and effective”, I will continue to disregard their advisements, and do my own research.
One glaring example of the corruption of the FDA is the current state of obesity, diabetes, and chronic disease in our country. The FDA perpetuated the food pyramid for decades. The FDA is still recommending sugar-filled cereal and poison filled colas as “safe”. The FDA lines its pockets with the money of corporate entities like Kellogs, Heinz, Kraft, and Big Agra while lying to the American people, and allowing studies to be funded by Big Food to inform our health guidelines. Nearly every study that the FDA uses for its guidelines are knowingly funded by food manufacturers that are poisoning the citizens of this country. This has been going on for decades.
Also, I have not, and will never trust the pharmaceutical industry, which is corrupt at best. One recent disaster caused by big pharma was the opioid epidemic. The opioid epidemic killed my uncle in 2018, by the way. His doctors prescribed him “harmless” opiates for a back injury from his career as a grocery store manager stocking heavy groceries on shelves. Opiates were marketed by big pharma as “safe, effective, and zero risk of addiction.” This was a lie. It turned out that they knowingly pushed and marketed pure heroin to middle class America, and called it “safe and effective”.
This surge in deaths among young, healthy people caused by the covid vaccine is likely another disaster caused by big pharma. I hope I’m wrong, but I don’t think I am.
The FDA, CDC, and pharmaceutical industry has given me every reason to NOT trust them. In the case of the covid vaccines, and the increase in deaths that correspond with timing of the vaccine, I would be an absolute fool to put my trust in the system that has proven it cannot be trusted.
The Spiritual Lessons of Grief & Suffering
My sister and I were very close. She was the most important person in my life, my best friend, and a soul mate. She was the most kind and gentle person I’ve ever met. At the end of the day, that is what I want to focus on.
I also want to focus on the fact that when we experience intense loss and grief, it is a gateway to deepening our spiritual understanding. Not on a mental level, but on an experiential level. My sister’s body is no longer with me, but I know she is still with me on a level my body and mind can’t comprehend. I can feel her presence. I’ve especially felt her with me during sunsets on quiet hikes. A gentle peace washes over me and I know she’s with me.
Loss is an inevitable part of life. I will lose every single thing I love by the time I leave this earth. But I know that in truth, Nothing Real Can Ever Die. This is a teaching I’ve studied and learned about for years. The temporary world of form is referred to as Maya in Vedic scripture.
A Course in Miracles states “Nothing real can be threatened. Nothing unreal exists. Herein lies the peace of God.”
Every sacred scripture points to the truth that all the world is a play of form.
It’s been a concept that’s given me much comfort over the years. But it’s also a concept that’s taken me directly to a lived experience of the truth. In truth, what matters about the people we love isn’t their bodies. My sister’s body had very little to do with who she is, or why I love her. It’s her soul that I love. It’s the eternal part of her that made her who she was and is.
It’s not the keratin, or bones, or blood, or her gorgeous face. It was the way she made me feel. The way her soul touched mine. And those eternal things don’t die with the body. Her soul is still her soul. And I can tell you, her soul is still very much touching mine.
The pain of loss is inevitable. And nauseating. And excruciating. And I would take any worldly pain over the pain of this loss. But this pain is something I consider a blessing in a way. It is miraculous to feel a love so deep and eternal, that my soul aches with sadness at the loss. I’m in awe of the love I have for my sister, and honored to have known someone so incredible.
Faith & Divine Providence
There has been a great deal of divine providence in my life over the last decade. I had no idea why I was so pulled to deepen my spiritual practices. Why I felt an insatiable hunger to read every sacred scripture I could get my hands on.
I had no idea why I was pulled to study trauma and somatic therapy with Dr. Scott Lyons and Dr. Peter Levine.
I had no idea why I was pulled to study yoga, and eventually get certified.
I had no idea why I was pulled to study psychic mediumship with Suzanne Geisemann in 2022, and continued following her work since then. Most of what we learned was communicating with loved ones on the other side. I had no desire to communicate with my loved ones on the other side at the time. Aside from my uncle, I really didn’t have anyone “over there” I cared to talk to. I also have no interest in being a medium.
I had no idea why I was pulled to watch and read hundreds of near death experience videos, and listen to people’s accounts of the other side. My kindle has about eight different books written by near death experiencers, and my YouTube history has hundreds of near death experience videos that I’ve watched over the recent years. About one per day, always with a thought “why am I watching these? I can’t stop watching these.”
I had no idea why I suddenly felt a knowing that I needed to dedicate myself to meditation. I started meditating in earnest in 2020.
I see now that part of all of this was training for the sudden death of my baby sister. This was all God guiding my way. I wouldn’t have made it through this time without all of the tools that God had put into my toolkit, and without the deeper connection I have with the transcendent dimension. It doesn’t stop the pain from being there, but it certainly makes peace possible.
If there’s one thing I hope you get from this post it’s to follow your heart, and deepen your connection with your soul. The transcendent dimension is what gets us through the struggles of this world. The transcendent dimension anchors us into the eternal, untouchable Truth of what is real. And what is real is Love and Peace.
Anything that connects you with Peace and Love, and helps you give Peace and Love to others is the best use of your time. That’s your purpose. That’s your gift. That’s your calling. That is God. That is Spirituality. That is Truth.
Alyssa was adventurous, hilarious, and wild at heart. She loved skydiving, parasailing, roller coasters, and anything that required signing a safety waiver. I believe she is an angel, and I have a theory that soaring through the air made her feel at home.
She loved animals, and was recently certified to open her own doggy day care. She had two dogs, one of which was a rescued pitbull named Roxy that never left her side. That pitbull was such a handful, filled with anxiety, and other behavior issues. She patiently loved and cared for Roxy, and was the only person that dog felt safe around. She had a rottweiler named Lennox that she loved dearly, who she lost to bone cancer last year. She was devastated by that loss, but she wouldn’t have traded her time with Lennox for anything.
When Lennox passed, my mom told her that her next dog should be something “practical” so she could find an apartment without a hassle….so she got a bull mastiff named Franklin last year. Yes. She was also very impractical haha.
Her and her fiancé Antonio were deeply in love, and in their eight years together, they didn’t have a single fight. I’ve never seen a couple like them in my life, and I doubt I ever will. After her passing, he told me “I felt like we were the same person. We just got each other.” She was terrible at answering her phone and texting me back if he was around. Most people will never know a healthy, functional, authentic, safe, and loving relationship like that.
She was the baby of the family, and my brother and I loved her so much. He would take her to Chuck-e-cheese, and play video games with her. I would take her to the mall and do her makeup, and spoil her with whatever she wanted to do or buy. We all adored her. She was truly the light of our family.
She was a true embodiment of love. She always made people feel loved, and safe. Anyone who ever met my sister loved her, because she genuinely loved other people. From the time she was a toddler, she would watch and listen to people so intently. You couldn’t get anything past her. And I believe that was part of her inherent love for people. She even loved strangers.
Once while eating breakfast at IHOP, she observed an old lady sitting behind us. The old lady was perturbed about a mixup in her order, and asked the waitress to fix it. The old lady wasn’t mean about it, her delivery was just…curt. My sister watched her, and I could see a light in her eyes. She smiled and said “I love her”. And I knew she meant it. She saw something in the old lady that I couldn’t quite see. She saw something in EVERYONE she met. And EVERYONE she met saw that something in her too. That was just a God given gift she had.
I’ve come to know that there is a Divine Will. Religion is a step removed from God, so I’m not referring to any religious ideology here. I’m talking about the fact that life is living through us all. There is a divine process at play, and it is all happening for our highest good.
This isn’t conceptual for me. This is something I know through firsthand experience. When I let go of the way I think things “should” be, when I surrender to what is happening right now, I can feel the “Peace that Passeth All Understanding”. That peace is God’s Will.
So I can’t know why this happened. I can’t understand what my sister’s soul journey is, or the full scope of our relationship in this grand, cosmic play. It’s too big. It’s not for me to “understand” with my mind. I will not try to understand things of the heart and soul with my mind. That’s a fool’s errand.
Instead, I am honoring the pain, the heartache, the sadness, and the peace. I am honoring the loss of my baby sister, the phone calls we will never share, the kids she’ll never have, the wedding I won’t attend, and all the other dreams of my ego. I honor these and feel the pain, and allow it to be here as long, and intense as it wants to be, in as many tidal waves as it needs to wash over me. If it’s days, months, years, or decades, I will honor it.
I am also giving all of this to God, and putting all my faith in the Divine Will of my beloved creator, and the creator of my baby sister. God was brilliant enough to create such a beautiful soul, and if I trust her with anyone, I trust her with God. I trust in the perfection of God, and know that nothing real can be threatened, and nothing unreal exists.
Thank God for my baby sister, for 24 beautiful years with her, and for the eternal love we share.
I’ll see you when it’s my time to cross the viel, kiddo. Until then, I’ll feel you with me and miss you beyond comprehension.
Brenda (aka Sissy)
P.S. A surprising thing that’s happened since my sister’s passing is seeing every woman I meet as a sister now. We are all in one giant sisterhood, and I am so grateful for every woman who walks this planet with me.